Sherman's Relationship Notes
Informal and personal notes taken from Dean Sherman's Relationships video series
- 1 Day 1
- 2 Day 2
- 3 Day 3
- 4 Day 4
- 4.1 The Sex Act
- 4.2 Wrong Behaviour Defined and Explained
- 5 Day 5
- 5.1 Relationship Philosophy (What I Need to Have to Be a Loving Partner)
- 5.2 Progression of a Romantic Relationship:
- 5.3 Steps to Restoration:
"So much information and data to take in these days. It can get overwhelming".
1John 3:11 -- "Love one another"
The message from the beginning.
1John 4:7 -- If you don't love, you don't know God.
You can't know God alone; God isn't just known with brain power.
2 Kinds of Knowing:
1.New Testament Greek
To know and believe
2. Old Testament Jewish
Experience and Life Integrated 2/3 of Bible is Experience (OT)
Western Thinking: I believe in the Great Commission, but I am not doing it.
Jewish Thinking: Watch me, and you'll see.
Q: Why does our generation want to wear hats backwards, or colour our hair?
We are integrated thinkers so we won't be different than Sunday on Thursday.
The Church is divided on a) is it Biblical? Or b) experience?
This shouldn't be an issue.
Experiences CAN be trusted.
We won't reach other cultures and generations because people need experience. It must be a part of life.
Ephesians 4:19 -- Nonsensical statement. But he was writing to those who need that kind of writing.
You can't be a disciple of Christ without doing His works.
You can't follow God unless you actually FOLLOW God!
Jesus could have thought all these cool things, but if he wasn't crucified, we wouldn't have been saved.
IT TOOK ACTION.
It doesn't get more reasonable than this.
Christianity is BOTH Jewish and Greek
Love God with your Mind, Soul, Body and Strength
One Extreme: All Logic
Another: All Experience
1 John 4:9 -- WE can love because he first loved us.
Links the vertical with the horizontal.
Love Others John 13:34
1 Requirement: Love one another.
1Corinthians 13: If I don't have love, I have nothing at all.
One problem in the world: Relationships.
Relationships ARE possible.
Relationships should be a priority
It isn't a priority for our churches, because we make other things priorities
Everyone knows Christians fight
Everyone knows that Christians don't love one another
Everyone knows that relating well isn't a priority for Christians.
1.May all men know by this one thing: (Love one another) that you are my disciples.
2.Father, make them ONE, so all will know I am the Savior.
We've tried it all, but the idea was there.
Give it 2000 years, we've given everything else that long
Maybe Jesus was right.
This is the best opportunity to make a difference (DTS)
What is Love?
Love doesn't compromise truth.
Don't choose between love and truth, Jesus didn't.
Meaning of Love
The word LOVE has lost it's meaning. We don't know what it means.
I love your cat!
I love your car! We don't know what love
I love you, Jesus! means.
Let's make love!
1Jn 3:16 -- This is what LOVE is!
Philosophy of Cross -- John Chapter 12.
No one can say that they "Don't know how to love"
Love is defined by the Cross.
The Cross -- Death to selfishness.
Everything you do in this life is either loving or selfish.
Denying self ≠ denial of personhood.
Denying self = denial of selfishness.
Existence is not bad. We aren't Buddhists.
Laying down life means:
Death to self
It is more blessed to give than to receive.
Gender Problems One is thinking more highly of
Race Problems themselves than the other.
The solution is so simple, it makes you mad!!!
Pride is the wrong concept.
Arrogant pride -- thinking highly of yourself
Inferiority -- thinking lowly of yourself
"It's just STINKIN' pride"
"Think with Sober Judgement"
Humility -- Correct assessment of self
If you're in humility and I'm in humility, it is impossible for us to not get along.
Q: What always follows the cross?
A resurrection, new life
Same with relationships.
The smartest thing to happen in history was the Cross.
Shows that humility works.
DO THE CROSS!
The most intelligent being of the universe created the idea of humbling Himself at the Cross!
The Definition of Love:
1.The cross -- Truth is defined by love
2.The truth -- Love defined by truth
Choosing the highest and best
Honouring, according to actual value.
We don't believe truth = love, but Christianity says that if you don't do truth, you don't love.
Truth is not defined by love, love is defined by what is true.
Committed to truth -- When you don't do it... say "sorry".
Choosing highest and best, means doing what is loving for the other person.
Feelings are not love. Love is choosing what is best.
"Love isn't a feeling, because I'd be in love with the Dodge Viper"
Love is doing what is appropriate for the other person.
2 ways to live Christianity:
2.The loving thing to do in this context
It can't just be "I feel" love. It has to be loving.
It is Unloving to be in love when you are at the inappropriate time.
Honour according to value.
If I don't honour you, I don't love you.
If I only love you in word, and not in deed and truth, I am not really loving you.
We have to get back to "integrated thinking"
You don't love the Lord, if you don't honour Him.
We can't live in community like we live individually.
Relationships are absolutely necessary.
1.Relationships Are Necessary
People have value
With knowledge of value brings responsibility
E.g., if you have a $10,000 note on the ground, and a cockroach coming near a baby on the ground... you choose the one with the most value.
We think forgiveness means "I'm over it now" but it doesn't. You may never be "over it". Forgiveness is a choice.
It matters; it was never meant to happen.
Q: How do you forgive?
A: By relating according to value, not behaviour.
Romans 5:8 -- Relate according to value
Forgiveness is necessary if we are going to relate to people.
If you want to relate, lay down your life
Forgive even if they don't change
People have value, regardless of behaviour
LOVE KEEPS NO RECORD OF WRONGS
2.Relationships Are Possible
Because Jesus came for no other reason than to restore relationships
As a religion, Christianity stinks. All we have is a man who came to life, died on a cross, rose again, and went to heaven.
Not a matter of self-discipline
Jesus suffered to make it possible.
Eph 2; Ps. 103
God brought us closer to him through the cross, which makes a relationship with Him possible.
What WAS removing me from God is gone! Jesus took it away from me.
" I am the righteousness of God". 2Corinthians
We think we aren't spiritual enough
Don't get a partner to prove you are someone, but receive cleansing so your sin can be removed, and be who you need to be!
We can convince ourselves that we are far from God.
You won't have good relationships with people, if you don't have a good relationship with God.
God removed hostility/enmity between different groups.
Grace relates me to God, and me with other people.
Grace -- Jesus giving us what we don't deserve.
We should give people what they don't deserve.
Whatever has happened to us, the price has already been paid, and His name is Jesus.
You can forgive yourself, like yourself for who you are.
DON'T TELL ME IT'S TOO COMPLICATED!!!
2.Love your neighbour as yourself
Everyone thinks that love is the answer. And that is all that Christianity is!
If you have a hard time serving God, it's because you haven't seen Him.
Why do we share a commandment: I equal you, you equal me!
God is the model, and we learn from that.
God Thought Up 2 Sexes
Loving yourself is not selfish
Dishonouring yourself IS selfish.
Dishonouring your neighbour IS selfish.
It's not hard to honour when we see the value.
Selfish behaviour runs parallel to not understanding value.
Categories of Neighbours
All people (equally) have value:
- Parents and Family (+1)
- Responsible for my existence
- Brothers and Sisters in Christ (+1)
- 1 Cor 12
- Romantic Partners (+2)
Q: Why do we need to talk about Sex, Love, and relationships?
- Biggest emotional impact in our society
- Because of this, we don't love our society
- We have a problem
- If we don't admit it, this equals pride.
- Divorce rate proves this problem
- Adultery proves the problem
- Lust rate proves the problem
- "Animal urges" are inaccurate, because animals don't lust!
- Broken heart rate proves it is a problem
God Thought Up 2 Sexes Part 2
Eve was created from a part that Adam had, and God took it out to make a feminine.
Believing that there is a feminine side is wrong, just that man being sensitive and kind, but also masculine.
God made females 95% the same as males.
We've come from a culture that has done terrible things to the human body. We believe that the female body parts are bad/evil
We are living in a dichotomous world:
Presence of God
Sex God thought
Body Parts of all of
There is no more appropriate place to talk about sex than in the presence of the one who created it.
Satan -- Angel -- Neutered 100%
God created sexuality for humans, not satan or angels, so sex isn't sinful in the right context.
We need to take this back, because our God is the one who thought it all up.
The problem isn't sex, hormones, etc. It is selfishness, and that is a choice.
2 Problems in the Community of Humans:
1.Homosexuality Misunderstanding of Identity!
Identity comes from source:
You can be clear and confident in your identity if you know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Evolution and Arbitrariness doesn't rule! God rules.
The Devil uses 2 twisted truths:
- You are different (a strategy in your ears)
- You aren't like the others
- Accept Yourself
- If I believe it, I am twisted, and convert, and I am different than what God is and wants.
Twisted truths are helped by:
- Social type-casting: Anything society says is normal "Masculine" or "Feminine" behaviour.
We think something is wrong with us because we don't fit into that type cast
Gender exclusive functions are societal, and they change
E.g., a society where men don't wear deodorant is different than another society where men wear deodorant.
What is masculine is changed by area and time.
B) Media Images: Wonder if you are "a whole lotta woman" or just "a woman". If I am a "Man's man" or just "a man".
Media images rule us
Identity will always be a problem, as long as we believe we "just happened".
- Real Woman -- A female one. A female is the epitome of femininity.
- Real Man -- A male one. If you are male, you are the epitome of masculinity.
You are either 100% male, or 100% female. Nothing else.
Created by God therefore to be released.
A gift of God
- Identify that you have an attraction gift.
- Most humans have never thought that they had it.
- Baby finds out it has a hand...
- Find out its function.
- Baby learns how to grip, use hands skillfully.
7 Functions of Your Attraction Gift
We are all designer originals
Gives us value.
Comparing ourselves amongst ourselves is unwise
Anything outside of God's truth is sin.
Unique is only in the bounds of God's design
We have unique attraction
Attraction must be within God's boundaries for relationships
Love God, Love neighbour as yourself.
2) Same Sex
Normal function to have friends of the same sex.
3) Opposite Sex
Loving opposite sex is normal function
You aren't in danger if you get close to female friends
Closeness ≠ Adultery
Just because there is an attraction doesn't make a link between that and a truth violation.
You don't have to avoid things because something might happen; but avoid it when something may become "unloving".
Physiology is okay
Lust ≠ okay.
Physical attraction ≠ lust
Use it lovingly, not selfishly.
Acknowledgement that something is pleasant
Selfish choice to desire, want, need, focus on, use to gratify.
Most of what you like about people
Pressed in our culture to value physical more than we should.
We demand more from the physical than it should.
| Healthy Relationships
|| Worldly Relationships|
| 2% Physical
|| 20% Physical|
| 98% Non-Physical
|| 80% Non-Physical |
Romantic -- In love, liking someone "like that"
Non-Romantic -- Brotherly Love -- Platonic
Singular in nature
Dangerous belief that there is only one person you can fall in love with. You can be in love with more than one person.
You can be in love with the wrong person.
If I accept that I can fall in love with more than one person, I will be cautious.
If I don't think I can be in love with more than one person, I will feel like " You just can't be THIS in love"
If you pray that "Thy will be done"... not that "we will be meant to be" it will happen... FALSE!!!
It can and must be directed by choice, based on 1) Truth and 2) God's direction.
"You don't have to be in love". You can choose to stop loving the wrong person.
"You don't have to fall out of love" You can choose to start loving the right person.
1) Fire is out. "I can't go on in a loveless marriage!"
Analysis: There are younger and single people out there that are listening.
Deterministic society says "It" left. But God din't design it that way. You can choose.
When you keep committed, feelings will come back.
Don't stay married because you are happy, stay happy because you are committed.
2) Wife is grumpy, but the secretary isn't.
Analysis: You don't have to be in love with your secretary.
God's truth forbids that.
It isn't that you aren't in love with your secretary, but you don't need to be in love with your secretary.
You can't initiate love.
You CAN choose the most loving thing to do.
No matter how close you get, a relationship doesn't have to be romantic love.
Truth says "no"!
You don't just marry the person who you are in love with, you should marry the one God told you to.
You don't just marry the person God told you to, marry the one you are in love with.
Don't go on one leg...
God is the author of romantic feelings
Feelings of romance without love = emotional attachment = adultery
Q: What about those with homosexual tendencies?
That view is fatalistic.
If you haven't opened the door, it isn't an option.
We all have a tendency towards children, so Q: are we meant to have sex with them?
Having sex with them is wrong! It is a quantum leap in thinking.. Illogical.
Physiological and mental differences between men and women don't give an excuse for the abuse of God's truth.
Nothing I am physically or emotionally causes me to violate God's truth.
Logical, Loving Limits
1 Corinthians 6:12; 10:23 -- Logical, wise, mind, intelligent limits.
Everything is permissible, but not beneficial.
This is what God has always done: Q: Is it wise? Q: Is it loving?
God doesn't make arbitrary rules, but he always has REASONS.
You are responsible to obey God, even if you don't know the reason, but trust that He has them.
He only puts a rule on you unless he has a reason.
Cesspool of sin.
Worse than our culture (if you can imagine)!
Paul presents the Gospel, and sees that they worship physiology.
Body is a temple of the Holy Spirit.
2 Things that need to be corrected:
1.Can't touch the body without touching the spirit.
2.Sex is NEVER just a physical thing.
Greek Dualism says that spirit and body are separate; one is material, the other non-material.
This view is WRONG! Inaccurate! We are both at the same time.
The Sex Act
The Sex Act intermingles all 3 parts: Body, Mind and Spirit.
Without a solid commitment (Marriage), this isn't a complete story:
The man who sins
sexually, damages his
own body, mind and
Why Sex Outside Marriage is Not Wise:
1.Damages Neighbour and Self.
1.Mind -- Indulgences -- For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge (F.U.C.K.)
3.Will -- When you do something against will, you are violated. Your will never be more "bent" than sex.
4.Spirit -- Wounded spirit -- Hardness of heart.
2.Lack of Commitment
1.Marriage is the ONLY commitment
2.An agreement that is legally binding.
4.From the Devil
3.Devil Doesn't Ever Promote Something That Doesn't Damage
1.He can participate
2.God says wait until I protect you.
What happens in every marriage
Just like salvation, you commit to God in your love; marriage-joined supernaturally.
Just like God joins us to Him, marriage joins us supernaturally (2 into 1)
God puts a ring of protection around a married couple
Hebrews 13:4 -- Undefiled
Cannot be accessed by Satan -- WooHoo!
Sex before marriage = Guilt/Bondage
Sex after marriage = No Guilt/Freedom!
Because Satan isn't involved!
4.Destroys an Amount of Intimacy
Intimacy -- that which is shared with a maximum of one other person (either alone or with another).
5.Can Put a Negative Weight on Future Marriage
3.Lack of Trust
4.Flashbacks and comparisons
5.Ease of breaking boundaries
Wrong Behaviour Defined and Explained
Biblical words for wrong action:
a.To stir up within yourself or others desires that cannot be satisfied within God's limits
b.Excess, too much, past feeling, having no limits
Mark 7:22,12:21; 1Peter 4:3; Jude 4; 2Corinthians 12:21; Galatians 5:19.
a.Seeking to satisfy the old nature instead of the new creation
b.The planned appeal to the physical senses for SELFISH gratification.
c.God wants us to have feelings
d.He doesn't want us to HAVE TO HAVE the feelings (I can't live without it)
a.To use, take advantage of, deceive, manipulate another person by what we say or do.
b."Leading someone on"
c."Setting someone up"
1Thes. 4:6; 1Cor 7:5 -- Married Couples
a.Strong, abnormal sexual desire or appetite
b.Someone hung up on/preoccupied with sex or romance
c.If we are driven by the idea that we MUST have a girlfriend or boyfriend, and, if we think by the hour about sex, we ARE concupiscence.
Romans 7:8; 1Thess.4:35
a.To indulge unlawfully, or outside of God's limits.
b.Idolatry, lawlessness, fantasies
d.Prostitution (greek -- any sexual act outside of marriage -- doesn't have to involve $)
e."pornography" -- the study of unlawful things. Because it is not to be viewed for pleasure, except by husband. It destroys intimacy.
1 Cor. 6:13, 18; Gal. 5:19; 1Thes. 4:5; Eph 5:3
a.Setting our affections or romantic ability on that which is not ours or on that to which we do not belong.
b.Used in regards to married people, because they belong to someone.
Exodus 20:14; Matt 5:27; Jer. 3:1; James 4:4
Of all words, adultery is only one in old testament.
Encompasses all unlawful sexual activity.
Why Family (fleshly indulgences)
1)Ideal: 1 Mom and 1 Dad make 1 child. They love each other, Love God, listen to God, Care for the child.
2)Covering -- Protection -- Security -- Right personality Development -- Right Direction, values.
Family is a living dynamic
Satan can't mess it up
The only way for Satan to get in is for someone to open the circle and separate, possibly divorce.
Combination of the failure of the authorities, and our rebellion. THAT is why God created family.
Rebellion is never necessary, but obeying the truth is always necessary.
Romans 13 -- Government Authorities are good for us, not every system is not to be questioned.
Sometimes you have to obey God/Truth over man
There is ALWAYS a way for God to provide what is lacking.
Why Breaking Up is Hard to do
Just like a broken tooth, a broken relationship exposes a nerve into the atmosphere that it was never meant to be in.
That which is meant to be committed, is missing.
Relationship Philosophy (What I Need to Have to Be a Loving Partner)
1.Get Your Motives Right
a.Don't not date because of fear
b.Don't date because you are selfish.
2.Avoid the Dating Syndrome
a.Dating for the sake of dating
b.Dates are often contrived
c.Only do it if it is the best thing to do
d.Don't "absolutize" dating
i.You HAVE to date
ii.You CAN'T date
3.Give Up Your Rights to Sex and Marriage
a.Get rid of "aren't you married, yet?" mentality
b.The people who are longing to be married before marriage are the same people who are longing to be single after they are married.
c.Give up the right, or it will be the driving force
d.If you give it up, God will likely give it back as a privilege.
4.Take Time to Develop Non-Romantic Relationships
a.We marry the person whom we happen to be dating at the typical "marriage" time, instead of the "right person".
b.Get rid of the thought that everyone is a possibility.
5.Determine to Please God
a.Seen lots of Christians who have dropped their missionary calls because of the possibility of marriage
6.Get Your Life Free and Straight
c.Develop personality more than date-ability.
1.Childhood -- develop character
2.Adolescence -- develop personality -- manifestation of character.
3.Adulthood -- develop responsibility
In our society we develop character, and then we jump into a date-ability period, instead of developing personality.
Progression of a Romantic Relationship:
1.Admit it is Romantic in Honesty.
a.Happens in the first microsecond
i.to see if you should proceed
ii.you NEED help and direction
3.Make Jesus Lord of Your Emotions
a.Don't be an emotional prostitute
4.Communicate to an Objective Person
a.Someone who is removed from the situation, not involved
** THIS IS ALL BEFORE THE OTHER PERSON KNOWS -- IMPORTANT **
5.Communicate to the Other Person
b.Communicate unselfishly (don't shock or manipulate). God never tells you that "Person A" is who you will marry. The true nature of love needs free choice.
i.Don't communicate emotions past the point that the other person has stated & demonstrated that their emotions are.
Steps to Restoration:
1.Repent, Confess and Act
Be willing to stop
You will never be free unless you agree with God
Restitution -- say sorry if appropriate
Renounce -- often nevessary to break the link in Jesus' name! Unless you burn the letters, you will have supernatural levels of loneliness.
2. Forgive Others, and Forgive Yourself
3. Accept Forgiveness and Cleansing of God
Expect and accept cleansing (1Jn 1:9)
You are either a sinner, or pure
4. Resist Guilt and Condemnation
5. Cultivate the Healing of God
Get prayed over until you are healed.
Thank God for bringing up the things of the past.
6. Develop the Fear of God
Re-sensitize your conscience
Make sins seem like sins again!